Can women mentor men? Can men mentor women? This New Testament account tells of the difference two women made in the life of a man.
Scripture Focus: (Acts 18:8-28, ESV)
Principle 4: Mentors and mentees don’t have to be the same gender.
As a woman in ministry striving to lead as Christ once led: a servant leader, I say openly that some of my best spiritual guidance has come from a man. I am a woman with a heart for discipleship, pastoral care, and mentoring others. I am grateful to have had people in my life who have affirmed these values in me. I am also grateful for the experiences I have had where people have disregarded these values in me and denied supporting me in my endeavors. I consider these men along my path to be God-fearing co-laborers in Christ. At the time I met with this mentor, I was working through the loss of my father. I was in need of a God fearing man to bring wisdom into my circumstance and support me as I treaded the valley of the shadow of death while still serving in full time ministry. We first started meeting because of a co-worker’s recommendation. Due to my mentor’s level of pastoral and clinical counseling addressing the area of my specific needs combined with His willingness to support me as a young minister in training, this connection made sense. The connection sadly though faced some controversy and a mix of taboo from the Christian community I served in where it shouldn’t have. I’m writing this post in this series to address the taboo.
I want to share with you how we practically navigated the conservative circles of Christianity in the community, in order to meet and have these important, but life-giving conversations. It is a true statement when I write that I would not be working on my doctorate right now if it were not for these conversations. I should note, I would not be writing this blog series which you are reading if it were not for my conversations with this man.
Now that I have shared with you about the personal struggle I have faced in cross-gender mentorship relationships, here are three things we did to navigate the conservative circle in order to have the conversations we needed to have in order to receive the support I needed as a mentee and young female in ministry.
- He would let His wife know when we were meeting so there was a safeguard in place with no questions about our meeting.
- I would let a contact know in my circle that I was meeting with Him. It was public knowledge, and we only met in public spaces so there were no questions about our meeting.
- We established the ground rule that if there were any sensitive topics that needed to be addressed by a woman, we would have His wife who was willing to support me be a part of the conversation.
I was grateful that we established these ground rules which helped provided a safe place for me to bear my soul through the struggles of life and ministry. Biblical mentors are like shepherds, guiding and leading conversations in the safety of calm pastures. I often return to that peaceful place in my mind and those conversations I had when I find myself in the face of challenging situations. I can take my mind back to the stillness and warmth of the small chapel on the hillside where warm light poured into its stained glassed windows. As we conversed on a weekly basis watching fall turn to winter outside the chapel where we met, the conversations brought warmth to my matching spiritual season. I was seen and I was safe. I could find joy in the cold and hard season.
In the twenty-first century, why is it that these kinds of meetings are still considered controversial? Let’s look at what scripture has to say about this along with lawful statutes that have marked modern change. In Paul’s letter to young Timothy, which we explored in the first blog post of this series, Paul gives instruction to Timothy about information on how women should act in the church. This chapter of scripture is often debated across denominations and is cause for divide where there should be no division. The controversial excerpt I am referring to reads, “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet.” (1 Tim. 2:11-12, ESV). The following scripture is often used out of context, but let’s put it back in its context.
By putting the practical structures in place listed above, we navigated these meetings in a way that allowed for privacy due to the content of the discussions and allowed our meetings to be God-fearing.
Cross gender mentorship is found in the recollection of the life of Jesus.
Jesus, a Jewish man was found talking with Her, a Samaritan woman, who had many husbands. Her past, I can only imagine came with judgements as she went about her daily business and task of drawing water from the well. Where did this life-giving conversation take place? It took place in public. Jesus broke a cultural taboo and silence by engaging in conversation with this woman. As a result, the woman was healed and forgiven of her sins. The women went on into the hot midday sun of Galilee to share a famous testimony worth repeating in our conversation today about mentorship. “Come meet a man who told me everything I ever did.” The woman could not contain the details about her conversation with a man who she had no business talking with.
As with Jesus, His primary concern was doing the will of the one who sent Him on earth to accomplish. It did not matter to Him whether it was a male or female whom He was conversing with! Paul writes that it does not matter either. Ministry and mentorship cannot and should not be secluded to just a man doing ministry with another man, and a woman doing ministry with another woman. Listen to what Paul writes. “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is no male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.” (Gal. 3:28, ESV).
Let’s flip the script now. A man can mentor a woman, but can a woman mentor a man?
In the book of Acts the account is given about two women by the name of Priscilla and Aquilla. The story goes that while a Jew by the name Appollos was filled with the spirit “fervently”, He preached in the synagogue eloquently and with great confidence. After He was done speaking the two women, Priscilla and Aquilla pulled Him aside to correct Him. He was only preaching about John the Baptist and did not yet know about the good news of Jesus Christ. The two women shared with Him and He went on to teach the resurrection of Jesus Christ to others. (Acts 18:8-28, ESV). Appolos life was impacted by the willingness of the two women to speak up. Applos went on to go on and teach others.
Final Thoughts:
These two examples from scripture explain that the topic of mentorship in the church between a male and a female does not need to be overthought, overcomplicated or taboo. These mentorship relationships are too important to quarrel over opposite genders meeting with one another. On another note, time is better spent spreading the gospel than quarrelling about whether females can lead, teach, or guide men in the gospel. All are equal in Christ Jesus and all bring value wisdom to the table. All need the support from one another in the body of Christ.
Questions for Mentors: Am I comfortable or uncomfortable with mentoring those of the opposite gender? What does scripture say about mentoring others of the opposite gender? If I am uncomfortable, but open to the idea of mentoring others of the opposite gender, what safeguards do I need to put into place and levels of accountability?
Questions for Mentees: Does gender matter to me in the qualities of mentor relationship? What does scripture say about mentoring others of the opposite gender? If I am uncomfortable, but open to the idea of my mentor being the opposite gender, what safeguards do I need to put into place and levels of accountability? Are there things I can learn from the same gender? Are there things I can learn from someone of the opposite gender?